Help out a tired investor

So I'm tired of trying all these trading, bots, charts, shitcoins, short term gain taxes, and newswatch - I got a job and a newborn to look after.. I am hoping someone can give me ideas on how to do what I want to do. Suggestions are welcome!

1. Exchange where I can set an auto debit or auto-transfer from my bank that will auto-buy BTC fortnightly
2. Get that exchange to auto send to my hardware wallet after buying (still need to procure)
3. Multisig hardware wallet where I can require 2 seeds to restore (one with me and another with my wife) in case boating accident. Ideas to secure multisig also welcome - to be honest I think I want to store these online separately (hopefully we don't both get compromised - if I lose hardware I don't want the back up to be hard too - if my house burns down for example.
4. nice to have if I can look how much sats I have stacked
5. nice to have if I can pause the auto debit or auto-transfer in case I need the money - but I guess this is a bank thing