How to retire by Tuesday: A Foolproof Guide

Listen up, folks, do I have some scorching hot takes for you. For too long we've been listening to the Wall Street suits telling us to diversify our portfolios. Yawn. If you want to get rich quick and retire by next Tuesday, I've got the ultimate guide for you.

1. GarlicCoin: The Future of Crypto and Vampire Repellent! Why invest in boring Bitcoin when you can secure your financial future AND keep vampires away? GarlicCoin is the world's first odor-based cryptocurrency. Just think about it, if Dracula doesn't like garlic, he surely won't come near your savings! Also keeps away any potential S/O's.

2. Beanie Babies: A Soft and Fluffy Retirement Nest Egg Remember those little stuffed animals from the '90s? Your parents were right; they ARE going to pay for your college. In fact, if you find a Princess Diana Beanie Baby in mint condition, you can probably buy a small country!

3. Toilet Paper: An Asset That Wipes Away Debt Ok, so this is my favorite: Covid taught us that toilet paper is as precious as gold. Invest heavily in it, create a TP vault in your basement, and watch your net worth skyrocket. Plus, if the economy tanks, you've got your ass covered!

4. Pet Rocks: Stable as a Rock When markets are volatile, invest in something solid: pet rocks. These investments won't erode with time, and their value only increases as they become more weathered and wise. Plus, no feeding costs!

So there you have it, my fail-proof tips for becoming absurdly rich without any hard work, skill, or common sense. Why be prudent when you can be hilarious?

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