Roast of the Top Coins

BTC - In the short span of just 50 years, we should be able to get everyone an opening LN transaction!

ETH - Decentalized cumswaps and shiba moons. Basically the lottery all over again, but for millenials.

BNB - Paid CEX is dirty, but it feels slightly less dirty if you use a BNB token to pretend it's decentralized.

Doge - One of those instances where the mascot is more intelligent than the team.

USDT - Fined $18.6 mil for printing fake money; prints exactly $18.6 mil the next day to pay the fine.

ADA - Smug bearded man will blockchainize food in Ethiopia; just as soon they can compile "Hello Africa" onchain.

XRP - Banks will make Ripple execs the wealthiest on Earth, and definitely not just rip the code for their own CBDCs instead

DOT - Put the blockchainz on a Blockchain!™ It'll be turtles all the way down.

BCH - Prolific forkers who somehow love ASICs despite losing the hashwars. Don't call it bcash or Roger will ragequit

LTC - Unholy genetic clone of BTC. Abandoned by father.

XLM - Wait, I thought we already did Ripple?

TRON - CZ jealy of Eth get'n all that Tether love. Had his boi Sun make a clone for some ménage à trois action with Paolo.

XMR - It's cool but is a bit of privacy really worth getting put on the terror watch list?

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And if you respond with "Aghhkkttchually..." then you're a virgin nocoiner